Monday, July 20, 2009

Massive Amounts of Globelike, Perky, Double D Tittage

So, dear readers, the last time I left off in the Divorce-Redneck Style story I had just taken back Redneck Redhead (RR) after he went MIA & lied his ass off. I guess we'll start from there.

So after the events of September things went back to fairly normal. . . until RR started working weird hours. Our house was literally 2 minutes from his place of employment, and he would leave for work at 7:58, but not come home until 8 or so at night. I started asking him if he could manage to come home earlier a few nights a week; maybe not run to the office & work all day so many Saturdays. He kept replying that it was part of his job. He worked in rail freight and the hours can be unpredictable, so I let it go for a while.

But then things just got worse. I was a teacher at the time, and y'all know all teachers go to bed at like 6 PM because we have to be up at the ass crack of dawn & (for me) deal with 150 hormonal freshman all day. All I wanted was an hour or so in the evenings with my husband. Was that too freakin much to ask??? Apparently yes.

RR started working later & later, sometimes coming home at 9 or 9:30. Really?? Somehow everyone else in the office went home to their families at a normal hour, but the office would not run if he wasn't there at all hours. (yeah, he had little man syndrome & thought he was sooo important) Sometimes he'd call in sick to work because his stomach was bothering him & I'd check & see that he'd looked at porn on the computer for 8 hours that day. Yeah, porn. Always the girls with massive amounts of wavy blond hair, and even more massive amounts of tittage. Globelike, perky, Double D tittage. They were all there, all ready to make his every desire come true.

These photoshopped, surgically enhanced beauties just sat there getting fucked, or looking pretty, never complaining that they were too tired. They would probably cook & clean just like he wanted me to, as well, if only they could jump out of the screen. (Of course, right after they let him blow his wad all over their pretty faces) Riiiiiight. . . Back then I couldn't see the photoshop & surgery, though; all I saw were girls prettier than me; better than me.

I became more and more insecure, the more time he spent with his "lady friends." It all came to a head one night whilst watching the Victoria's Secret Fashion show. Yeah, you read that right. Redneck Redhead claimed to be a follower of modeling careers. Hand-picking (in his mind) the girls from the catalogue who would make it to the fashion show, then move to the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition & so on. Yeah, you can't make shit like this up. You really, really can't. He was so obsessed with beauty, and I, being human and not a freakish supermodel, felt that I could never measure up to his standards.

Sooo. . . we're watching the show and he see's Adriana Lima, or Heidi Klum, or some other freakish bitch float down the catwalk and says, "Wow! She is so beautiful!" And then I lost my shit. It went a little something like this:

Me: Really? She's beautiful?

RR: Yeah. Why?

Me: Must be nice for her. I can't remember the last time you said I was beautiful.

RR: What are you talking about? I'm trying to watch the show.

Me: How is it that you can call some random woman on the TV that you've never met in your life beautiful, but you can't say it to your own wife?

RR: You used to be so confident. You were a lot more attractive then. What the fuck happened to you?

Me; I became really insecure because every day I see you looking at these women. These women who have perfect bodies & perfect breasts & perfect hair. And they don't complain, they just sit there looking pretty for you. I can't be them. I'm insecure because YOU MADE ME THIS WAY!!!

And then . . . he picked up the coffee table and threw it across the room. Yeah, I'll let that sink in. Again, you can't make this shit it up. I'll say it, because I know you're thinking it: How in the world did I end up trapped in the 7th circle of white trash hell? I'm really not sure.

So then I get freaked out. I'm crying; I call my mom and tell her what just happened and say I may need to come stay again for a while. I hang up. I try to pull myself together; try to figure out what my next move is, and of course he comes to me crying and apologizing, and saying it will never happen again (just like the time he punched the wall right next to my head when he was mad at his brother...another story, another time), but sometimes I just make him so mad, and push him too far.

I stay. A few days later he asks me if I'm happy, because he's not . .

Sunday, July 19, 2009

I Am Blessed

Have you ever committed an act of kindness for someone for no other reason than to just to see the smile on their face? I do it a lot. I'm a sucker for smiles. It makes my day.

Sadly, there are some cynics around who say things like, "That was an awful lot of time/energy/money/effort you spent on so-and-so, would they have done the same for you??" My answer is often, "Yes, I guess it was, and I don't know; it doesn't really matter."

Kindness knows no conditions. Acting from the heart and expecting nothing in return is what we should all strive for daily. I am blessed to have people in my life who know this, and I am blessed to be able to give from my heart with no expectations.

Sometimes you have to stop & remember the good things.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Keep it Klassy Folks

It seems that these days simple etiquette has been thrown out the window in favor of tacky money-grubbing. Today I received an invitation to a housewarming party in the mail. Someone I know, who has had her own apartment for years, is moving in to a new condo with her boyfriend, who has had his own apartment for years. Apparently this occasion is something that one would register for?? However, on the back I found this little note:
Let's forget, for a moment, the crazy grammatical mistakes and just look at the message. They are asking for gift cards and gift visas!! They are thanking their guests in advance. They are pretty much demanding a gift. Now if this isn't Klassy with a K, I don't know what is.

This particular incident reminded me of some other super Klassy things I have been witness to in the last few months:

  1. When I called my aunt to see where my cousin was registered for his wedding she said, "Oh, they're not registering anywhere, they just want money for their honeymoon." I did not send money, because I was not invited to the wedding to begin with. I was going to be nice and send a little gift anyways, but that little stunt warranted my scorn in the fashion of NO Gift For You!!
  2. My parents went to my cousins wedding. The bride wore white fishnets & platform stripper heels. Her bridesmaids wore short red dresses, black fishnets & red platform stripper heels. Klassy!
  3. At the reception they had a Dollar Dance. (If you are unfamiliar with this concept, feel free to click the link) While Wikipedia may stay neutral on this, I declare TACKY! What an awesome 1st act as a new husband; pimp your wife out!
  4. I have also been invited to a baby shower. No biggie, except for the fact that this is the girl's 2nd baby out of wedlock, different baby-daddy of course. The kicker? I haven't seen this girl in at least 2 years! The invitation should have read as follows: "I know we haven't spoken in 2 years and you probably wouldn't even consider me an acquaintance, but hey! buy a gift for my bastard baby! Because y'know, somehow I didn't learn how to keep this from happening the first time."

I could go on an on. I'm not quite sure what the hell people are thinking these days. Keep it Klassy folks, Keep it Klassy!


Saturday, July 4, 2009

So Then I Shut my Big Fat Mouth

Anyone who knows me, knows that subtlety has never been my strong suit. I say what I feel often loudly, and with a few four letter words thrown in for effect. I really do love 4 letter words. Well last night was no exception to the subtlety rules, and it did involve a four letter word; LOVE.

Boyfriend and I went out for a very romantic, fancy dinner last night to celebrate 2 years of dating bliss. It was all going so wonderful. Before ordering we talked about all of the things we loved about each other (feel free to throw up in your mouth at any time) and what made our relationship so good. Then Boyfriend made a huge mistake; he bought a bottle of wine. We toasted to 2 years of love and happiness (you puking yet?) ordered our food and enjoyed a lovely evening.

And then I got tipsy.

Marriage has been a hot topic for the last 6 months or so, and when I get some alcohol in me, it never fails to come up. It started out innocently enough, just re-examining if we wanted to elope or have a super small wedding in town. Then I opened my big fat mouth and these exact words came out, "So are you saving up for my ring? Have you already bought it? You know people keep telling me that you probably already have it, but are waiting for me to shut up about getting married. I bet if I went a whole month without talking about it, you might propose. Am I right? Huh?" His response, "Patience is important. Patience gets you good things. That's all you're getting out of me."

So then I shut my big fat mouth, but man! The suspense is killing me! And I bet he's loving every single minute of watching me squirm.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

13 Things I Hate About You

Okay, Driving in Memphis? Not quite as magical as "Walking in Memphis." So here's a list of 13 things I hate about you, Memphis drivers. (I am exempt, by the way. I learned how to drive in California where they require driver's education classes before you can get a license.)

  1. Coming to a complete stop on the interstate to change lanes because no one will let you in, even though you don't have a turn signal on.
  2. Cutting off people who are driving faster than you, then staying right in front of them even though you could get back in the slow lane
  3. Driving 45 in the fast lane. Heck! No one seems to realize the left lane is for going fast
  4. People driving very slow 3 across so no one can get past any of you
  5. 18 wheelers in the fast lane and/or driving 3 across
  6. The emergency lane is for an emergency, not blowing past traffic & then trying to merge back in. You're really not more important than everyone else.
  7. Looking for something you lost on the passenger side of your car & swerving into the lanes of traffic next to you.
  8. Getting so caught up in talking on your cell phone while driving your huge SUV that you don't even realize there is someone next to you in the lane you're trying to merge into.
  9. Chillin in the middle of a shopping center exit lane with no turn signal, so I have NO IDEA whether you're turning right or left out of the place.
  10. The general disregard for the use of turn signals
  11. Honking at someone you've just pulled out in front of for being in your way
  12. Turning left long after the arrow has turned red because 'wait your turn' doesn't apply to you.
  13. Swerving in and out of traffic erratically at high speeds. Just because you watch a lot of NASCAR doesn't mean you drive for them.